Looking for funny New England Patriots Jokes? These are the best Patriots jokes you’ll find anywhere.
Not only are these New England Patriots jokes funny, but they are clean and safe for kids of all ages.
Are the Patriots making the playoffs this year? Are they making a run for the Superbowl? These Patriots football jokes are especially great for parents, teachers, children, New England fans, football fans and coaches – but they are fun for everyone.
New England Patriots Jokes
Q. What did the Patriots quarterback say after he got sacked by an Indianapolis Colt?
A. Help – I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.
Q: Why upsets Bill Belichick most when he plays the Colts?
A: Too much horse play on the field.
Q: How does a Patriots quarterback get signals from the sideline?
A: Bill Belichick sends in a tape.
Q: What does every New England Patriots player do on their birthday?
A: They get older!
Q: Why do the New England Patriots draft ballet dancers as their kickers?
A: They know how to split the uprights!
Q: What’s the difference between a Patriots fan and a puppy?
A: The puppy eventually grows up and stops whining.
Q: What keeps Patriots players up at night?
A: Nighmares about Eli Manning.
Q: What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?
A: They’re both annoying.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Tess me.
Tess me who?
Tess me the football Tom!
Q: What is Tom Brady’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
A: Sssssss! (the sound of air deflating from a ball)
Q: Which New England Patriots player wears the biggest cleats?
A: The one with the biggest feet!
Q: What’s the most amazing thing you’ll see at a Patriots game?
A: Seeing a Grown Cow Ski.
Q: Why did Tom Brady get heartburn after eating birthday cake?
A: He forgot to take off the candles.
Q. Why did Stephen Gostkowski bring string to the game?
A: Just in case he needed to tie the score
Q. What runs around Gillette Stadium but never moves?
A: A wall
Q: Why was Sony Michel nicknamed “Bad News?”
A: Everyone knows that bad news travels fast.
Q: How do the Patriots hire their players?
A: With two pairs of stilts.
Q: What’s the hardest thing about being a quarterback?
A: The ground.
Q: What’s as big as Trey Flowers, but weighs nothing?
A: His shadow.
Q. What’s the difference between Sony Michel and a duck?
A. One goes quick and the other goes quack.
Q: What did the New England Patriots fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
A: He turned off his XBox.
Q: What are successful New England Patriots kickers always trying to do?
A: Reach goals.
Q: Who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?
A: Bill Belichick – coach of the New England Patriots football team
Q: Why did the New England Patriots football players cry when they lost?
A: They’re a bawl club.
Q: Who did the New England Patriots zombie team play during preseason?
A: The DEADskins.
Q: Who’s the smartest player on the Pats team?
A: Tom Brainy.
Q: How did Tom Brady (New England Patriots quarterback) know he was about to get sacked in Chicago?
A: He heard them BEARING down on him.
Q: What is harder for a New England Patriots receiver to catch the faster he runs?
A: His breath!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna ball off to me Tom Brady!
Q: What do New England Patriots lose every night?
A. Their shadows.
Q: What can New England Patriots players catch at Mile High Stadium?
A: Bronco-itis
Q: What did the New England Patriots think about their new stadium lights?
A: They gave it GLOWING reviews.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Howey.
Howey who?
Howey run so fast?
Q: What did Josh Gordon say to the football before the game?
A: Catch you later.
Q: Did you hear about the joke that Tom Brady told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.
Q: What do New England Patriots players do when they get overheated?
A: They get closer to the fans.
Q: Why can’t Tom Brady use his phone?
A: Because he can’t find the receiver.
Q: Why did the New England Patriots quarterback make his bed out of straw?
A: To feed his night mares (about getting sacked!)
Q. How are New England Patriots opponents like lazy neighbors?
A. They rarely pick up a yard.
Q: Where do New England Patriots football players dance?
A: At a foot ball!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Uriah.
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball Josh Gordon!
Q: What’s the difference between the New England Patriots and a dollar bill?
A: You can always get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: When should New England Patriots football players wear armor?
A: When they play knight games.
Q: What is as big as a New England Patriots center, but weighs nothing?
A: His shadow.
Q: What do you get when you cross Tom Brady with a carpet?
A: A throw rug.
Q: What’s the difference between the New England Patriots and water?
A: Water runs.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hans.
Hans who?
Hans to the face is a penalty.
Q: What is the difference between a New England Patriots fan and a baby?
A: Babies stop crying after awhile.
Q: Why did Dont’a Hightower go to the bank?
A: To get a quarter back.
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The New England Patriots .
Q: Which New England Patriots player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.
Q: What do you call an New England Patriots at the Super Bowl?
A: A spectator.
Q: What does a New England Patriots coach and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither delivers on a Sunday.
Q: Why shouldn’t toddlers wear New England Patriots jerseys?
A: Too much of a choking hazard.
Q: According to a new poll 95 percent of people love Sundays.
A: The other 5 percent are New England Patriots fans.
Q: How do New England Patriots players stay cool?
A: By standing close to the fans.
Q: Where should you go if you are scared of catching a cold?
A: The New England Patriots end zone – they don’t catch anything there.
Q: What do quarterbacks call New England Patriots defensive lineman heading their way?
A: They don’t call them anything – they just run!
Q: Why are centipedes not allowed to play for the Patriots ?
A: It takes too long to put their cleats on.
Q: How do you hire a New England Patriots punter?
A: By putting him on stilts.
Q: What’s a touchdown?
A: I’m not sure – I’m a New England Patriots fan.
Q: What did Trey Flowers (New England Patriots Defensive End) have stuck in his teeth?
A: A quarterback!
Q: What do New England Patriots players wear on halloween?
A: Face Masks!
Q: How do you keep New England Patriots out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: What do New England Patriots receivers and the Post Office have in common?
A: Neither is open on Sundays!
Q: What’s the best way to teach your dog to roll over?
A: Have him watch the New England Patriots defense play a game.
Q: What do you call a New England Patriots player at the Superbowl?
A: Lost.
Q: Where do you go in Indianapolis in case of a tornado?
A: Gillette Stadium (New England Patriots Stadium) – they never get a touchdown there!
Q. Why do ducks fly over Gillette Stadium with their eyes closed?
A. There’s nothing worth seeing!
Q: What’s the difference between New England Patriots fans and mosquitoes?
A: Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
Q: What kind of pastry did Devin Mcourty eat most?
A: Turnovers!
Q: What kind of tea do New England Patriots football players drink?
A: Penaltea
Q: How are scrambled eggs like New England Patriots safeties?
A: They’re both beaten.
Q: Why does the New England Patriots have the coolest helmets?
A: The one with the most fans.
Q: Why is it always warmer at Gillette Stadium after the game?
A: All the fans have left.
Q: What happens to New England Patriots players who go blind?
A: They become referees.
Q: Which Partiots player can jump higher than a house?
A: All of them – houses can’t jump at all.
Q: Where does James White like to eat?
A: Fast food restaurants (because he was very fast).
Q: Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the New England Patriots football team?
A: They needed a little team spirit.
Q: Why didn’t the dog want to play football for the New England Patriots ?
A: It was a boxer.
Q: Where is a ghost’s favorite spot on a Gillette Stadium ?
A: Under the ghoul posts!
Q: Why did the football quit playing with the New England Patriots ?
A: It was tired of being kicked around.
Q: Why doesn’t the New England Patriots football team have a website?
A: They can’t string three W’s together.
Q: What does the Patriots quarterback watch on TV to make him feel at home?
A: The Brady Bunch.
