Houston Astros Jokes

Funny Houston Astros jokes for Astros fans and baseball fans of all ages.

This is the best collection of clean Houston Astros jokes anywhere!

These jokes about the Astros baseball team are great for parents, teachers, Houston Astros fans, baseball coaches, babysitters and kids of all ages. They’re even good for Cardinals fans looking for some good-hearted jokes at the Astros expense!

Throwing a Houston Astros party? These jokes about the Astros will bring lots of laughs. Write them on pieces of paper or Post-it notes and spread them around. Do a standup routine or print them out and do a joke karaoke during the 7th inning stretch.

Houston Astros Jokes

Q: Which video game do Houston baseball players like to play?
A: Astroids

Q: Who was the largest Astros player in history?
A: Craig BIGgio

Q: Which Astros baseball player holds water?
A: Dallas Keuchel – because he a pitcher.

Q: Why are some Minute Maid Park umpires overweight?
A: They always clean their plate.

Q: Why did Andrew Jay Hinch want spiders to play for the Astros?
A: They know how to catch flies.

Q: Why did the police officer go to Minute Maid Park?
A: Someone stole second base!

More Jokes Continue Below ↓ ↓

Q: What’s more impressive than seeing a line drive?
A: Seeing a baseball park.

Q: Which superhero did the Astros try to sign as their designated hitter?
A: Batman.

Q: What’s the silliest song to sing at Minute Maid Park?
A: “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” because everyone is already there!

Q: What do young Astros fans like about going to the park?
A: The swings.

Q: Why did Andrew Jay Hinch only want frogs in the outfield?
A: They never miss a fly.

Q: What do you get when you cross Alex Bregman with a carpet?
A: A throw rug.

Q: How do Houston Astros baseball players stay cool?
A: By standing close to the fans.

Q: Why was the tiny ghost asked to join the Houston Astros team?
A: They needed a little team spirit.

Q: Why do the Astros lose so many day games?
A: Their bats only wake up at night.

Q: What’s did Alex Bregman and a professional bowler have in common?
A: You can count on them both to throw strikes.

Q: Why shouldn’t toddlers wear Houston Astros jerseys?
A: It would be a choking hazard.

Q: Why should you take Gerrit Cole camping with you?
A: To pitch the tent.

More Jokes Continue Below ↓ ↓

Q: Why did Jeff Bagwell wear old stockings when he played?
A: They had runs in them!

Q. Why did Lance Berkman bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score if he had to.

Q: What do average Astros fans get on their I.Q. tests?
A: Lots of drool.

Q: Who would be the best choice as a Astros relief pitcher?
A: The mummy – because he knows how to wrap up.

Q: What do Astros ballplayers do when their eyesight goes bad?
A: They get jobs as an umpire.

Q: What does a dirty floor and the Houston Astros have in common?
A: They both can sweep.

Q: What do Houston Astros lose every night?
A. Their shadows.

Q: According to a new poll 95 percent of people love watching baseball.
A: The other 5 percent are Astros fans.

Q: If the Houston Rockets basketball team were chasing the Houston Astros baseball team, what time would it be?
A: Five after nine.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Astros baseball player with a monster?
A: A double header.

Q: Which Houston Astros player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.

Still More Jokes Below ↓ ↓

Q: Where does Marwin Gonzalez go to dance?
A: At a base ball!

Q: What did Brian McCann say to the baseball?
A: Catch you later.

Q: Why is hotter after a Astros baseball game?
A: All the fans have left.

Q: When is a Astros outfielder like a spider?
A: When he catches flies.

Q. What runs around a Minute Maid Park’s field but never moves?
A: A fence

Q: Why did the police officer go to the Houston Astros game?
A: He heard that someone stole second base.

Q: Where did the baseball player wash his pants?
A: In the bleachers.

More Jokes Continue Below ↓ ↓

Q: Why are Houston Astros players so rich?
A: Because they play on diamonds.

Q: What does Brian McCann wear on halloween?
A: A Face Mask. (He plays catcher)

Q: Did you tell Josh Reddick the joke about the pop fly?
A: Don’t – it will just go over his head.

Q: What is harder for Carlos Correa to catch the faster he runs?
A: His breath!

Q: Whats the difference between Houston Astros fans and mosquitos?
A: Mosquitos are only annoying during the summer.

Q: What’s the difference between a Astros fan and a baby?
A: Babies stop whining after a little awhile.

Q: What do the Houston Astros and lawn furniture have in common?
A: They both fold in October.

Q: Why is Halloween the Houston Astros favorite holiday?
A: It’s the only thing they have to do in October.

Q: How are the Houston Astros like a grizzly bear?
A: Every October, they go into hibernation.

Q: Why doesn’t the Houston Astros baseball team have a website?
A: They don’t know how to string three W’s together.

Q: Why doesn’t Dallas have a MLB baseball team?
A: Because then Houston would want one too.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Let’s Phillip the bases and score some points.

Q: What does Gerrit Cole and the mailman have in common?
A: Neither deliver at night.

Q: How often do Astros players call each other during the off-season?
A: They touch base every once in a while.

Q: Why did the Houston Astros players cry when they lost?
A: They’re a bawl club.

Q: What does Andrew Jay Hinch (Astros manager) and Alex Trebek have in common?
A: Both of their jobs are in Jeopardy.

Q: How did Justin Verlander pitch a winning baseball game without throwing a ball?
A: He only threw strikes.

Q. Why do ducks fly over Minute Maid Park upside down?
A. There’s nothing worth looking at.

Astros Riddle: Tyler White leaves home, makes a left turn, another left, and then another left before going home again. When he gets home he finds two men in masks waiting for him! Who are they? Answer: The catcher and the umpire.

Q: What do you call the winning team at Astros home game?
A: Visitors.

Q: Why are centipedes not allowed to play for the Houston Astros?
A: It takes too long to put their cleats on.

Q: What did the Houston Astros fan do when his team won the World Series?
A: Turned off his Xbox.

Q: Who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?
A: Andrew Jay Hinch – manager of the Houston Astros baseball team

Q: How do you know when a Astros pitcher is having a bad day on the mound?
A: When the crowd starts to sing “Take Him Out of The Ball Game.”

Q: What can you do just as well as a Houston Astros player?
A: Watch the World Series live on TV.

Q: What rule did the zebra umpire have to explain to the Astros?
A: Three stripes and you’re out.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Uriah.
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball.

More Jokes Below ↓ ↓

Q: What do you call 40 rich people sitting around a TV to watch the World Series?
A: The Houston Astros .

Q: Why did the Astros shut down their website?
A: They weren’t getting any hits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Minute Maid Park hot dog and a Wrigley Field hot dog?
A: Minute Maid Park hot dogs are still being sold in October.

Q: Why is Alex Bregman such a good singer?
A: Because he has a perfect pitch.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Bass.
Bass who?
Bass-ball is my favorite sport.

Q: What did Evan Gattis do when the coach said to steal second?
A: He grabbed the base and took it home.

Q: Which Houston Astros player wears the biggest cleats?
A: The one with the biggest feet!

Q: When should Houston Astros players wear armor?
A: When they play knight games.

Q: Why does it take Brian McCann longer to run from 2nd base to 3rd base than from 1st base to 2nd base?
A: Because there is a short stop in the middle.

Q: Where shouldn’t a Houston Astros pitcher ever wear red?
A: In the bull pen.

Q: Which cartoon character was Andrew Jay Hinch trying to get on the team?
A: Homer Simpson.

Q: Why is Andrew Jay Hinch like an angry chicken?
A: They both have fowl mouths.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Howey.
Howey who?
Howey run so fast to first base?

Q: Why did the George Springer go to the car dealer?
A: He wanted to learn a sales pitch.

Q: How is the Houston Astros roster similar to a pancake?
A: They both need good batters.

Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: The Houston Astros .

Q: How do Houston Astros fans get down from the bleachers?
A: They don’t – you can only get down from a goose.

Q: How do Houston Astros baseball players stay cool?
A: By sitting next to the fans.

Q: What does Brian McCann put his food on?
A: Home plate.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Tess me.
Tess me who?
Tess me the baseball!

More Jokes Below ↓ ↓

Q: What is harder for Tony Kemp to catch the faster he runs?
A: His breath!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the Houston Astros baseball?
A: It will leave you in stitches.

Q: What did the Houston Astros think about their new stadium lights?
A: They gave it GLOWING reviews.

Q: What song do Astros fans sing before the bottom of the ninth inning?
A: None… the fans have already left by then!

Q: Where do Houston Astros players go when they need new uniforms?
A: New Jersey.

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